Thank you for stopping by! I wonder--how many of you out there are exhausted by dating?
You could be 19 or 59... and worn out by the process for various reasons. It was only a couple of years ago when I launched myself back into dating following my second divorce. Eek. I hovered between a sense of "what has happened to my life?" to total elation, believing down into the depths of my soul that there was a person out there for meant for me and I for him. Some people might call me a "hopeless" romantic, but I prefer and welcome the designation of Hopeful Romantic! Yet, coming out of my second marriage and divorce, I knew that dating would need to look and feel very different for me this time around. I understood there were changes I needed to make in myself if I was going to find a great match through the dating process, as much as I sometimes caught my mind wanting to blame my previous partners for their mistakes and missteps. Ultimately, I knew that dating would only lead me to the right pairing for my heart if I did some real truth-telling to myself. And it isn't always easy to look into the mirror and take that inventory of lessons learned in relationships.
Why is dating wearing you out? I know why it wore me out. I remember swiping on Bumble and Tinder and Facebook Dating until my eyes burned from fatigue late at night, hoping that the very next swipe would reveal the right man for me. It was exhausting. So was the investment I put into messaging once I thought I might have a good match. The awkward online flirting through the written word, wondering how many messages this guy had going at one time with other women, trying to sound both intelligent and light-hearted, and being vulnerable enough with information about myself but also not over-sharing so as to be mindful of my newly- created dating boundaries. Wow--all of that can be so tiring, right? And that doesn't even take into account taking your valuable time and precious energy to go on the date once you found an agreeable-enough someone with whom to take that leap! I remember during the summer of Covid-19 in 2020, I went on way too many first dates (on patios, in the open air, of course!). Some of the men were fine, nice and polite........................................................ just not a match for me. Another guy was actually quite horrifying and nothing like his profile or his texts lead me to believe. The waiter found me on the way to the bathroom and asked me if I'd like him to bring the check asap....................................................... God bless him.
And yet others led to a few second dates that ultimately fizzled due to lack of chemistry. One first date actually led to a three-month relationship that was quite wonderful; until he chose me as his trusted person to come out to as gay! (It was far from obvious............................................. but read more about that story in my new book. You can order it here https://amzn.to/3E6CRXo )
I finally deleted those dating apps to take a break, focus on loving myself first, and...poof.............................................................. in what was the Universe's big gift to me, I met my boyfriend of now nearly two years just a few months later, and I am in the happiest, most healthy romantic relationship of my life.
How did I find the amazing love I have been craving my entire lifetime? I did some work to learn how to love myself first. Growing up, I thought I was loving myself. I thought I had impressive confidence. I thought I had high standards. I thought pretty wrong about all of that, looking back. I was very confident and successful in my career; but I was short-changing myself in relationships by not putting my own heart first. I thought that by giving, giving, giving, I could get men to give back. I thought I could love them SO hard, they would love me back in the way I desired. I people-pleased, I let men test my virtually non-existent boundaries and I manipulated situations to architect men into ways I thought they would love me more. At first it hurt to discover and admit all of that to myself. Yet once I did, I found freedom and self- love.
When is the last time you got out a pen and paper and made a list of the ways you want to feel in a relationship? I didn't do that until after my second divorce. Not sure you could have even gotten me to do that in my 20's, but I wish I would have. Back in college and after my first marriage ended, I made mental notes of what I wanted in a guy: great job, handsome face, tall, good sense of humor, affectionate, etc. But these were not framed up in ways I wanted to feel when I was with him, and I didn't realize the power of pen and paper in writing out those feelings either. So, having learned these hard lessons and realizing that my bullet list of male qualities I was seeking just wasn't working out, I decided to work on manifesting what I really desired by focusing on how I wanted to feel with my future partner. Here's a list of relationship "feeling phrases" I wrote out as a way to begin healing from my second divorce and to set a course for the right match for me:
I want to feel this way in my ideal romantic partnership:
Can you see how this is so very different from listing out attributes like: I want a man who is tall, handsome and rich? You might indeed get all of that, but he also might end up being the worst boyfriend or husband for you because he is not a match for how you want to FEEL in a relationship. And it all comes down to that, ladies...how we feel with this man we are dating, engaged to or marrying. That's everything.
So, if you are exhausted by dating, may I recommend this? Take a break from the apps and dates for a few days or a few weeks. Get a journal or just a plain piece of paper and a pen...and write out how you want to feel in a relationship. Tape it to your bathroom mirror. Read it daily. Twice a day! Then, when you start swiping and going on dates, hold that list close to your heart. You will begin to instinctually gravitate away from the men who don't match up to your Feelings List, and towards the ones who do match. And that, my friends, is where the magic begins to happen. By writing out how you want to feel in a romantic partnership, you are taking one of many steps towards loving yourself the most.
With love and gratitude,
Stefani Seek
#dating #relationships #single #tiredofdating #boyfriend #divorce #tinder #bumble #men #adviceforwomen #romance #love
