It's only January 2, and my email and Instagram have been inundated with messages like "Your Dating Resolutions for 2023" and "How to find the right man in 2023". Insert eye roll {here}! I'm wondering--are you a single woman who rang in the New Year a little sad or frustrated that you are not in a relationship? Feeling down that you didn't have someone to kiss when the glittering ball dropped at midnight?
Are you hopeful/excited/scared/worried about what this new year will bring you in the romance department? You are not alone! A new year can call forth exciting energy, but it can also cause anxiety for single women from all walks of life, especially if you feel that time is marching by too fast and that you are missing out on the fun of dating someone you truly love, an engagement, marriage, babies and your happily ever-after. My calling, after two marriages, two divorces, and now...two blissful, sexy and satisfying years with the love of my life (!!!)...is to help you discover that the love you seek is not "out there", but within you.
I know, I know...you probably just read that last sentence and rolled your eyes, but stick with me here for a few more paragraphs. Fifteen years ago, I would have sworn to you that I had attracted the perfect second husband into my life. I had my act together! A six-figure sales career, a beautiful and smart daughter from my first marriage, a new house, and a fresh focus on the type of man I wanted: career-driven, handsome, kind, tall, successful, a foodie, and wanting children together. And guess what? I met that guy and he was all of those things. I was in heaven! I thought I had learned my lessons from marriage #1 and felt I was going into my second big adult relationship with my eyes wide open. It wasn't until about four years into that second marriage when the red flags really began flying and I realized--with a deep pit in my stomach--that certain experiences from my first marriage were repeating again, despite how different my second husband had seemed from my first. I was determined to stick it out and make it work, and I tried for a full ten years, until eventually I came to terms with the fact that I could no longer find my authentic voice and be myself with my husband. I was devastated and embarrassed. What did I do wrong? How could I have messed up the goals I had for my life so badly??
And that is where I cringe at all of those relationship coaches and experts who, while well-intentioned, encourage women to create goals and lists around the type of man (or woman, as I write for all sexual orientations) they want to attract into their lives this year. They list out scripts, things to type into your profile or say on dating sites like #tinder and #bumble, to "get the guy/gal you want". My ah-ha moment, after my crushing second divorce, came when I realized that all along, I had been looking at the guy's characteristics for what I wanted...what he brought to the table. My mistake is that I did not go inward to discover what would best serve my heart. So how do you go inward to figure out what kind of love will fulfill you and bring you all the goodness you so deserve?
I write in great detail in my new book (available at all major online sellers, including Amazon, and now in audio format at Audible), that to attract the right partner who will understand and love your heart, you must first connect with how you want to feel in your ideal relationship.
If you've ever been in a relationship that broke your heart when it ended, you know that in the end, it's not the sudden absence of how he looked, or the car he drove or the things he bought you that mattered it was the way he made you feel in the beginning, when things were awesome and happy and exciting. The way you felt beautiful when you were around him, desired, sexy, cherished. If this was a short-term relationship, maybe you realized you actually were not desired or cherished in the way you deserved (and this happens in long-term relationships too!).
Ask yourself: before you set out on that very first date, were you crystal-clear on how you were going to show up for you and what you wanted to feel like with this person? You are not alone--not by a long shot--if you answered no to that question! After all, it's just dating, right? You think: If I like him, I'll get serious about thinking about my needs as it progresses. But NO, this is a problem, because that's where the slippery slope begins and before you know it, you are ignoring red flags and constantly shifting the ground you stand on because you did not decide ahead of time the way you want and deserve to feel in a relationship. Loving yourself and also finding someone to love you begins with this often-overlooked step.
Let me show you the difference between your old way of approaching dating and how you can truly uplevel and attract the love you deserve in this new year.
Old way of thinking: I'm going to find a man/woman this year. I'm excited about it, but I'm worried. So far, dating has really sucked. I know the guy I want: he should be really nice, believe in God, like my friends, treat me with respect, drive a nice car, have a great job where he can afford to buy me things, want to eventually get married and is ready and willing to start a family. I want to have fun traveling the world with him and we will look amazing together on my Instagram feed and I will finally get the romance and the ring and the wedding and the life I deserve.
New way of thinking: I am going to love myself this year, and I believe that if I tune into what my heart really wants, I will attract the right man/woman. I release doubt and concern and worry............................................................ I know that if I put my heart.
first and send that out into the world, my new love and I will be drawn to each other, because he/she is also loving himself/herself and prioritizing the right things for their own heart. Here is how I want to feel in this new relationship:
The above self-talk track and feelings are examples that resonated with my heart, and so I suggest you make a list that rings true for you! Create your own list of how you want to feel in a romantic relationship in 2023, write it out on a piece of paper with your favorite-colored fine-point Sharpie , and tape it to your bathroom mirror! I'm not kidding! Might sound corny, but there is power in taking a pen to paper and setting into motion what you want your world to look and feel like. Read that list every morning and every night. Internalize those feelings and emotions. I promise you, the more you know that this is how you want to feel in a relationship, the would-be men or women who cannot match this vibration you are setting forth for yourself will simply fall away. They won't appeal to you or you won't appeal to them. After a first date, you'll easily be able to let go and move on if you sense that these feelings you've confidently explored, internalized and meditated daily on won't be evoked within this prospective partner. And what will enter into your life?? That's where this work gets so exciting and so fulfilling! In the most unexpected of ways, that person who also wants to feel what you feel will come sailing into your life.
But you must create a sincere "how I want to feel" list that is true to your heart. Not your mother's, your sister's or your best friend's heart........................................... but yours. If you are rooted in your truth and loving yourself first by taking the time to consciously realize how you want to feel in a relationship, the right person will come to your life. It's amazing. Believe it. Eliminate worry, doubt and fear by focusing on this list, having the faith and confidence that the universe will conspire to help you!
And if you feel stuck as to how to even begin to create your 2023 list, please reach out to me, or read more about the how-to's in my book! You can find me at www.stefaniseek.com. I'm here to help you find love by helping you discover your self-love journey. Wishing you so much love in this New Year! Thank you for taking the time to read my blog!
With gratitude for you,
Stefani Seek
